| How sights fix themselves upon the mind! |
[05 Jan 2007|11:59am] |
So university has proved to be a lot of fun. My flat is mostly a bubble of bliss, only washing up and general attendance are problems at the moment, so it's all about Neighbours, Home & Away, Hollyoaks, and keeping an eye on the mail box. I got the industrial I wanted, and bleached my dreads too. I've been back at home for a month, so back to Leeds on Sunday to get Krisha to lighten up my roots. I had a dream that my hair had not gone blonde with the bleach but had gone horrible yelloworange. Luckily that wasn't true. I also had a dream, on New Years day, that Jack was doing Viagra with his friends. Also not true, in the end. I've been reading far too much and not enough this holiday. My bookshelf is packed with things I want to read (new found obsession with Shakespeare), but exams mean I can only read Mrs Dalloway, Freud, Roland Barthes, perhaps Vathek, The Second Sex and so on. I'd like to, in fact I'd love to, if only bloody Cultural Studies didn't get so horrifically in the way. I'm still bored of myself though, as usual. However, shockingly, I'm pretty keen on my life at the moment. By 4pm next Thursday I'll have handed in an essay and done 3 x 2hour exams. Then I'll have a week and a half to literally laze about before teaching starts. Plans include forcing the English admissions lady to take me in, get a job or plan to start up some sort of small business involving jewellery (I think technically, to make that feasible, I have to get an average run-of-the-mill job first, and build up my funds to the state where the set up costs for a small jewellery business wouldn't entirely bankrupt me). When the loan comes in I shall be only £400 in credit. I also hope to sell Irregular Choice shoes and cameras on eBay for money. I want to eat healthily this year, although I keep forgetting. I just suddenly find it's the evening and I've been munching on sweets all day. And crisps! I want to eat more fish, more fruit. I want to spend less money on food so that I can spend more money on clothing my newly-healthy/skinny body. Maybe buying a workout DVD would be a fun old lady's way to get a head start as well. All things to think about when the hardcore work is over. I hope I get a digital camera for cheaps, I want to take more photos. And print out the ones from America! I also desperately want to be more crafty, and Freecycle. |
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[13 Jun 2006|02:54pm] |
An update because I haven't for a while, and because I ought to be revising for tomorrow's exam and we all know that's not much fun. Descartes seems to be popping up everywhere in this module, and I know that'll confuse me seeing as I found it hard enough to distinguish between miracles/Teleological Argument last week. It's finally summer (it was raining so much that I've turned desperately eco-friendly, I wish more things I owned were solar-powered) and that means skirts and parks! This year's soundtrack includes; DJ Dangermouse + Jay-Z Change Clothes
Lily Allen every song [on whom I've developed a wee crush] ... yeah it's a slow start. As usual I'm obsessing over reinvention. I want to bleach my hair so much because I look like a bloody Atomic Kitten, but my mother donated this hair to me when I was destroying myself over Jack and it's not her fault she shelled out the bucks for crap hair. Maybe I should wait for America (we leave for Dallas July 11th!!). Maybe not. Maybe after tomorrow's exam I'll be calm enough to start doing things and not worrying that I should be working instead. Mmph, if my bank balance allows I might go buy some bleach tomorrow and get my tragus/lip done on Thursday. Hmm, but I need petrol money and I NEED NEED NEED to wash my car (poor baby) - although I suppose I could save myself £4 and do it by hand - and possibly more clothes/sunglasses/other travel essentials. Damn lucky Jack's back and in full time employment again now isn't it? And it's not like last time, when he was working all day and I was lying in bed feeling broken-hearted and sorry for myself and waiting to go pick him up. Now I get time to myself, to see my friends or go shopping or (gosh forbid) work. And instead of The End meaning him buggering off to Thailand/Fiji/New Zealand, it now means we're off, hand-in-hand aux Etats Unis! I need a good but inexpensive digicam - can anyone recommend one? I'm excited about university because I want my old personality back. I want to be interesting and interested again, and I think perhaps independence will help with that. It all went wrong after That Fateful Summer, when I retreated back into the comfort of family/Jack. I'm a lot happier, more excited now. But I cannae wait for more freedom, more chances to do stupid things. And life after uni can be whatever I want it to be. Hell yeah! Oh but I'm going to miss my kitties so. |
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[26 Mar 2006|11:25am] |
My body keeps shutting down for the Easter holiday, only for me to be told (over and over again) that I can have more lessons next week (and the week after, and the week after that), so I feel like death after dragging my body back to a more usable state. Over the next week (i.e. before my parents leave for Italy) I need to; get my Oyster card renewed
get some money in my account
take my car to get fixed (and hopefully collect it too)
take all old clothes etc. to TK Maxx
do some laundry a.s.a.p.
join a gym (I must. I have to get motivated and exercising before my face disappears into my neck)
also of importance;
book a dentist appointment
book a TopShop Style Advisor
drag Phil to Primark
I've been watching so many programs about health recently, it's made me realise I really need to get a grip on mine, I'd like to die at 80, not 60, please. More complications with university, and thus more arguments with Jack, except this time I didn't apologise for what I said, why should I take back my feelings just cos they make him cry with guilt?
But I'm perfectly content this Sunday morning. Happy Mother's Day!!*
*Mother's/Mothers'? |
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| happiness is not a fish you can catch. |
[15 Mar 2006|05:03pm] |
I am back at school, and not doing too badly! I keep daydreaming about going to university because I'd much rather have a plan (albeit somewhat misguided) than no plan at all. It's silly because my plans are all based on a person that isn't really me anymore, but I think when I'm forced to I'll manage to socialise with strangers a little better. I turned 19 last Friday, but I can't say my quarter-life crisis started then. I fully realise the absurdity of how I feel, but the fact that I am less than a year away from leaving my teens (when I am bloody certain that it was only a few months ago I was rejoicing, in front of a Boyzone video, at hitting double figures) frightens me. I will never be at school again, never drink illegally again (except perhaps when we go to America this summer, but I have a weak constitution these days, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to successfully drink alcohol again, thanks to the ole morning sickness of last summer), never be silly and young. Yes I'll be silly again, I'm sure university will see to that, but I'll be more mature inside. And I'd rather not be. But there we go, what can I do about it? Nothing. Thank goodness I didn't keep the baby (I'm kidding, it actually tears me up inside to say that) or I'd have tried to live vicariously through him/her. I never went into much detail did I? If it was a boy it would have been called Billy. The ladies at the clinic (we had to go back three times) would look at my streaming face and say "perhaps she can't cope with the emotional pressure of giving up her child", but a discussion with Jack's parents (humiliating, to say the least) forced me to realise that Jack would never want the baby and that I couldn't do it by myself (my parents made it quite clear that they would support my choice but that they wanted nothing to do with looking after it). Every now and again I make snide comments (like last night when Jack asked me to stop watching Britain's Oldest Mums and Dads because it was upsetting him - "having a child is the most incredible thing, it overrides everything else") and we hold each other and cry and then we move on. My relationship with Jack is as strong as ever, next stop = 16 months. We thought living together was weird at our age but I suppose my friends at university are often doing quite the same thing. Everything after the summer is so up in the air, I have to admit that I don't care what happens as long as I can carry on sleeping in the same bed as Jack every night. Unfortunately that's proving pretty difficult. I'm an idiot and I'm sure whatever happens will be for the best, but at the moment I'm just working on getting some better grades. Oh, and spending as much money as I can on clothes and jewellery and petrol and draw. Oh, and food from American Soda. Wow, an update. Maybe I'll try to keep it up. Actually, now that I've started I don't really want to stop. I want to tell you how excited I am about America (we're leaving after the World Cup, which ends on July 9th, I believe), a month of AmTrakking it around with the boy. I'd love to stay for longer (forever!) but a) neither of us have the funds, and b) I have to get back for mid-August to sort out university stuff. I can't wait to see the sun, but I keep thinking "oh I really should work on getting fitter and slimmer and healthier" and doing nothing about it. Way to go complete lack of motivation. |
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[05 Oct 2005|10:29am] |
I'm wearing three necklaces;
  
A serpent pendant from my father,
A Russian Doll necklace from my brother,
A silver chain from Jack.
I'm feeling empty & angry & won't let anyone tell me to feel otherwise.
(but I'll be alright.)
( p.s. How I keep sane. )
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[21 Sep 2005|10:11am] |
I try much harder now not to bore people with stories/pictures of my cats, but when one of them grins like this..
come on!
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hisjesus's journal
